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Believer

I’ve always been embarrassed when ask if I’m a Christian. Growing up a preacher’s kid had a bit of a stigma.  I found out recently it is said that guys always wanted the preachers daughter – I’m glad I didn’t know that back then.  It also doesn’t help that some Christians feel the need to use the media to preach fear and judgment instead of grace and love, I’ve never wanted be associated with them in any way.

In January of last year, I was forced to leave the only career I was ever passionate about due to a bizarre allergy – it didn’t destroy me. At the end of April we lost contact with Raun, our oldest son – it didn’t devastate me. On November 6th when Emery Rain Ford came into the world 15 weeks early and I watched as my daughter was forced to make life decision for my granddaughter – I wasn’t distraught. On Sunday, January 9th when I received a call from Raun informing me that his wife had been arrested that morning for Domestic Violence – I didn’t lose hope.

This past year I’ve become more and more trusting of this God I claim to know. He is the same God I believe created the universe and the same God who knows what tomorrow holds; who has promised to be there through it all.  This God has proven Himself to me over and over throughout my life and this past year I realized that I either believe or I don’t. I either finally decide that I’m all in or I’m not. I am either one of those people who continually ask God to show Himself in tough situation or I’m the one who believes He is in control even when I don’t see it. Last year I moved from one of those people who says, “I need to know You are there,” to the person who boldly says, “I KNOW!”

I am still hesitate when someone asks me if I’m a Christian.  Ask me if I’m a Believer and I’ll reply boldly, “Yes!” Ask me why and I could give you a thousand reasons, but I’ll simply say, “I KNOW.”

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Have you considered…

Job is an interesting book in the Old Testament. It’s also a little confusing. There is a particular verse that has been playing over and over again in my head. God and Satan are having a discussion and God says, “Have you considered my servant Job.” This verse perplexes me. Why would God point someone out who appears to have his life in order?

Is it possible that God was confident of the final outcome? Did He know that Job would not break? In my own life does He allow those difficult times? And if so, does God allow them to happen because He is confident that I won’t break? If that is true, it changes the way I look at those times that just suck.

Suppose you had a wonderful boss. This is someone you trust, admire and want to please. You’ve worked with this person for a long time, you know their character.  One day this ideal boss comes to you and says, “I have a project I want you to do. It’s a big one! It’s going to take you a while. Most of all, it’s going to be very difficult. During the project you will most likely hate me, question the validity of this project and begin to lose faith in yourself and me. But at the end, I guarantee, that you will be amazed at the outcome.” I know what my response would be, “If you are sure that I’m the right person for the task, let’s do it.” I would also proceed with real expectations, a drive to success, and a ton of notes reminding me of this originally conversation.

What if life is like this? What if God says, “I have a task for you, it’s going to be hard, you’re going to question me, but that’s OK; I have confidence in you. You won’t break!” How would we go through life? Would we stop blaming others for the situation we find ourselves in? Would we approach life much more lighthearted? I believe so.

“Have you considered my servant Job? Go ahead, do what you want. I know him. I know his character. Most of all, I know he will not break.”

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A year without fear

I realized earlier this year that I have lived the majority of my life in fear. Most of those fears had a common thread; the fear of being alone. There were times when these fears paralyzed me, other times they brought on panic attacks, and they always had a great affect on my decision making. As of October 1 of this year, I have found myself in circumstances that forced me to face each one of those fears. Each one of those circumstances also had a common thread; my daughter Austyn.

Since October first I found myself 2000 miles from home, in an ambulance, the ER of a hospital, making my way though a city I had never been, flying with an 18month old child, and spending 10 day with him without mom. I’ve been on 6 flights in 70 days. I have spent time in a waiting room, stood outside the door of the delivery room, walked into the NICU to welcome grandchild number 6 into the world. Watched as decisions were being made for heart surgery; found myself driving alone during rush hour in eight lanes of traffic at the tail end of a snow storm in a city I don’t call home; spent 6 weeks away from home; and entered a dark unlocked house after dark…the super of all super freaky things!

These may seem like small attempts to you, for me they were all monumental. But I survived! And in surviving, those monumental fears have lost their affect.  In fact I’m feeling a little daring.  There is a sense of excitement as I think of experiencing life without fear. However, since October 1 was only seventy some days ago I feel as if I deserve a nap, a long nap. 2011 is just around the corner. I plan to be well rested and ready to go on January 1. 2011 is going to be a year without fear.

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Serve and Laugh

My mom’s an interesting person. All her life she has lived for others.  She is a servant. In fact, she is a servant to a fault. At times I tell her she needs to be servant, not a slave.

Ethel will be 83 in April. She has been alone for three and a half years; I believe it’s the first time in her entire life. She appears to be growing younger. I have had the privilege of spending several weeks with her this past year as we served others in our family.  Most recently, she came to Colorado for 2 weeks to support my daughter after Emery was born.

When we met at the airport she introduced me to her new friend that she made on the flight. The woman looked as if she wanted to hug me. As we were leaving baggage claim, she did hug my mom and said, “I learned so much from you.” It was a two hour flight; God only knows what they talked about. I’m used to this however; every time mom comes to visit she tells me in great detail all about the person she sat next to.

A few months ago, mom joined Curves. It is no surprise that other Curve members come up to her daily to tell her what an inspiration she is. She is grandma to many adopted grandchildren. In fact, I think she has more personal relationships now than she has ever had.

Mom worries a lot; is concerned for the well being of her ever growing family. Mom also laughs a lot. There are countless times that we find ourselves laughing so hard it hurts. I also found out that she is obsessed with looking at the clock during the night. The room we shared most recently had no clock, so mom would check her cell phone all through the night for the time. How do I know this? Frequently she would hit the camera button and take a picture; a noise that is difficult to mute. There were 46 black pictures stored on her phone; giving us yet another reason for a good laugh.

Servant or slave, mom will always be willing to give. Someone said recently that they didn’t think they could verbalize what mom believes. I guess that’s because she uses actions more than words.  There are two words that seem appropriate however;  serve and laugh. Not a bad motto.

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She’s third generation

If you had been around to witness those times when Austyn and I received positive reports on our little Emery, you may have noticed us grab the other’s hand and say, “She’s third generation!”

We are never quite sure how to finish that sentence. You see, Emery is the third generation of female infants who defied statistics and survived. Fifty years ago, I was a placenta previa birth. Odds back then weren’t high. I survived. I have some issues but nothing that has hindered me too much.

Austyn was what we refer to as a Smurf Baby. She managed to get the cord wrapped around her neck 5 times prior to delivery and by the time they untangled her she was blue. She too has some issues but clearly nothing that has prevented her from a very full life.

So Emery makes three. There is a unique bond that I feel with her. Perhaps it is the feeling of fighting for life when you are too little to know what’s happening. Each time we get one of those “what if” reports I find myself whispering to her, “You can do it, you’re third generation and we all make it!”

Emery clearly has a much bigger battle to win and there is no doubt she’ll do it excellently. I will be 50 in February and figure I have 42 more years to overcome my issues. Austyn will be 25 in February and her list of adventures already out does mine. Emery was due in February, however this February we will be celebrating her 3 month birthday. If each generation gets stronger… I can’t wait to see who she becomes…undoubtedly she’ll out do us all!

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Stress and Bruises

My medical knowledge has increase just a tad since Emery was born.  I have a greater insight into breathing, pooping, peeing, heart rate and blood pressure. There were two areas that when I began to learn of their importance, brought goose bumps and a few tears.

While Austyn was in labor, every doctor and nurse seemed to be focused on one thing, allowing this baby to be born naturally. In fact at one point, they had rushed Austyn to the ER but as soon as Emery’s heart rate recovered, they stopped the procedure and sent them back to their room.

As it was explained to me, there is a level of stress that is created as a baby makes it through the birth cannel. This stress triggers the organs and lets them know life is changing, that it’s time for them to begin to work; it’s time for them to do what they were created to do. Without this process, she may have had other more serious issues.

Emery had a lot of bruising from this birthing process. Her head was quite dark, her tiny nose had a large spot on it, her right eye was also very dark and there was a bruise on her back. All very normal, we were informed; because she was so tiny and her systems so immature, it would take her body a little longer to heal these bruises, but they would go away.

When it was discovered that there had been some level of bleeding in the brain and that Emery required a procedure to allow the fluid that was now collecting around her brain to be drained, did we begin to understand the importance of the bruising. Bruising stretches the skin. This allowed for Emery’s little head to expand when the fluid was collecting and protect her from additional pressure. The one thing that prevented her from looking perfect at birth was the very thing that would protect her.

Rarely does God turn water into wine, or send us a million dollars in the mail, or prevent anything bad from every happening; most of the time He uses normal things such as stress and bruising. We miss it! We miss see all the miracles that happen every day. We miss it because we don’t want to feel the stress nor do we want to look at the bruises. It these things that trigger us to become what we were created for. It’s these things that protect us in ways we may never understand.