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Dancing on Graves

Mourning is part of life. It’s an emotion we have been given. Sometimes, however, we get stuck there. Like the old LP records that skip or a DVD that is scratched, we relive a few words over and over. Even worse, we are frozen on one frame.

I’ve realized that there are different types of graves; some graves hold lost dreams, broken promises, bad relationships, and unrealistic expectations. It’s not easy to move from mourning disappointment to dancing. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to put on dancing shoes, turn on the music, and dance. There are many of these graves that I’ve never danced upon.

I was sitting at a stop light and randomly recalled a recipe that my Aunt Meryle had made every holiday. It made me smile; it made me mourn her passing. I couldn’t help but think that perhaps Dancing on Graves doesn’t always mean we are done with mourning, for some who have meant so much to us, we will do both for a long time.

I think it’s time to create my own cemetery. It will contain the graves stones of those who have passed. It will also contain graves of lost dreams, disappointments, unreal expectations, and a few unmarked graves for when shit just happens. There will be a large maple tree shading a beautiful bench overlooking the cemetery and the ocean beyond. Tied to the bench will be dancing shoes.

Some days I will sit, looking over all that has passed and mourn, and some days I will dance. I will find those graves that are stuck in a single frame of life, stomp a few times and get the music playing. Mourning and dancing rarely happen at the same time; but when mourning turns into dancing, they create a beautiful rhythm that keeps us moving forward through life.

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Changing the future

I’m a huge Dr. Who fan – HUGE. Thanks to my kids, I now wake up at 4:00AM on Sunday morning, pay my $1.99 to Amazon for the privilege of watching the latest BBC episode.

The show is brilliant on many levels. Dr. Who always warns us about changing someone’s future. However, he typically he does it anyways.

Tomorrow morning, I will get in a rental car at 4:00 AM and head to LAX to catch a morning flight to Denver. My daughter is having a very difficult recovery from a procedure that was done last week. It’s no coincidence that it was four years ago tonight that Jeff and I were on a plane taking the same route. Four years ago tomorrow, Miss Emery Rain Ford will be four years old.

Some may say that history is repeating itself. Other’s would feel bad that all those bad memories will get on the plane with me and be my evil journey buddy. And still others would say that perhaps there is something I still need to learn, so I am being force to make the same trip.

I’ve learned a lot from Dr. Who. I’ve learned that we CAN change our future and I intend to do so. I will fly into Denver with my Neenee Cape and Sonic Screwdriver determined that this trip will in no way mirror the one taken four years ago. How could it? Miss Emery has surpassed everyone’s expectations and is one of the funniest and smartest kids I’ve met. As for Mom and Dad, they may be weary – but I’ve got a Sonic Screwdriver.

I believe we get to experience life from both sides. If we steal, we will be a victim. If we cheat, we will be cheated. I also believe that we may live through experiences several times. And when that happens we have the choice to bring the past with us or create a whole new future.

Time Traveler or not, we have the power to change the future.
Emery Rain Ford

Nov 6

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Servants Have I Many

My little store does fashion shows throughout the year. We take eight women and dress them up in three outfits and then allow them to parade through a crowd of other women who are all wishing they knew how to put together outfits like these. It’s quite fun and the women have a great time. At the beginning of the fashion show all the newly named models are prim and proper. Buy round two, a few begin to sashay. And on the final round, there will undoubtably be one or two who feel the need to show off their chorus line moves.

The most recent event is for a large… as not to offend anyone, lets say… Organization. It’s one of those Organizations where large numbers of people go on a Sunday morning and a fewer number attend Organizational Meetings throughout the week. These newly named models who attend this Organization have unanimously won the ‘nastiest group we’ve ever encountered’ award. It’s a new award as we’ve never needed it before.

As a writer, I could go in many different directions with this topic. But the one that is blasting like a fog horn in my ears is taken from a little Proverb called the Virtuous Woman. That famous one where the woman gets up before dawn, is wise in her business dealings, tends to her children’s needs for which they in-turn rise up and call her blessed; all while her well known husband sits at the city gates. Ya, that one.

There is a one liner in this well known Proverb that tells us this rare woman cares for her servants. Most of us would not admit we have servants and many would say we would like a few. I would ask to consider who are our servants?

I believe its the woman who checks me out at the grocery store, or the teacher who spends eight hours a day with my grandchildren. It’s the kid who takes my dry cleaning and young women who writes down my order and dutifully serves me my food. It’s the guy who has been assigned to answer my customer service call, and the barista who hands me my latte. These are my modern day servants. And if I want my children to someday rise up and call me blessed, I need to care for my servant’s needs. Seems simple. Seems like a Proverb that has been taught in most… Organizations.

So what is to be done with the “nastiest group we’ve ever encountered”? I will serve them; as long as they are in my clothes, they are my servants and I will care for their needs. I will also pull a leader of this Organization aside and gently and honestly share my thoughts on the subject. And I will remind myself every day that I am to care for my servants, no matter where they work. After all, my children need a reason to call me blessed and my husband needs something to talk about while he sits all day at the gate.

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It’s just not normal

I arrived in Denver at 8:30 PM and by the time we got to Brian and Austyn’s home, the two little ones were asleep. I began rehydrating myself (I’ve been here before, the altitude sucks all moisture out of me) and tried to follow the instructions for the following day. Austyn wrote the them on the white board on the wall in the kitchen, at the bottom of the board was written; 7:30 surgery, arrive at 6. This would be Emery’s 15th surgery. But this would be an easy one and I was there to be a distraction.

At 4-something A.M. what appeared to be a 5 year old blob crawled into my bed. We hugged and kissed and pretended that we would fall back asleep. Mom and Dad finished getting ready, they packed a “Just in Case” suitcase, dressed Emery while attempting to keep her asleep. Mom came over for one final hug and kiss and Dad instructed us that we needed to go back to sleep. The front door closed and the 5 year old blob named Liam and I stayed in bed. At 6 we threw off the covers and made our way downstairs for movies and breakfast.

7:30 finally arrived and I watch my phone and computer knowing that Austyn would be posting something. Around 7:40 I text her asking how they were doing, she responded with okay.  By 8:30  the text came that it was over and Emery was doing great. I told the 5 year old and we laughed and clapped and jumped up and down. “Mom, Dad and Emery will be home before you get home from school!” We clapped some more, packed Liam’s lunch box in his back pack and headed off to school. When I returned I had a list of things I wanted to get done before the patient arrived home. First was cleaning up the kitchen. As I opened the silverware drawer this is what I saw:

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Then it hit me, this is not normal. None of this is normal. Who categorizes a surgery on a 3 year old as “an easy one”? How many 5 year olds wonder if the next doctors appointment will force him to stay at grandma’s house while mom and dad figure out how to divide their time between a hospital room, work and home for an undetermined amount of time? Who has written on the a white board in the kitchen, Surgery at 7:30 arrive at 6? How many homes have an abundance of child syringes in their silverware drawer? Nope, this just isn’t normal.

We’re not alone in our journey, Children’s Hospitals around the world are filled with sick children. Children whose lives are not normal. Families who not only carry the burden of knowing what the next medical procedure will be but also the weight of how they will ever pay for it. If you know how to extend the day by about 24 hours, that would be helpful. If you know how to clone these parents so they can actually get through a day without being exhausted, that would be helpful. If you could just make their child well, or at least normal, that would be greatly appreciated.

What can you do to lighten their load – write a simple note, include some cash and mail it off to them. Don’t wait for tax deduction, or a non-profit to collect, or someone to set up a donation hot line; find a family in need and start helping! It takes cash to fill the gas tank for those doctor appointments. Medications are expensive.

If you live anywhere near normal give out of a grateful heart. Give because you are fortunate enough to not have mounting medical bills. Give because you have time in your day to sit on the sofa and watch a football game. Give because you want to help someone who didn’t ask to be dealt the hand they’ve been given. Give because you are grateful for the somewhat normal child that runs through your house and the biggest problem you face is choose where to go to eat.

Give because you care…those who live in the not-normal world will be ever so grateful…but don’t expect a thank you card, they are way too busy for that!

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Road Trip 2014 – An Experience

The first night of our road trip was quite eventful. About an hour after falling asleep I was awakened by Emery’s cough as she slept next to me. I said her name and Austyn bolted over to our bed. For the next few minutes I took the supporting role as Austyn instructed me what to do when Emery has a seizure. We weren’t practicing, it was happening.

It’s odd to be watching your kid taking care of her kid with the calm and assurance you once had while dealing with her, but am now unable to find the medicine bag or look up a pharmacy phone number. Austyn was brilliant and within moments Emery was calm and fast asleep.

A few phone conversations later and I was off to one of the only two 24 hours Walgreens in Des Moines. The Pharmacist was kind. In order to pick up Emery’s meds, I had to enter the last 4 digits of the phone number on file. It’s 12:00 a.m. how should I know the number on file. Assuming it was my son-in-law’s I found his number in my phone and completed the phone quiz portion of the evening. But there were two prescriptions and I had to do it once again. This time the nice Pharmacist assisted by giving me the answer. We said good night and I was back in the car taking the scenic tour of Des Moines at 12:20 a.m.

Returning to the hotel, some other guest had filled my parking space forcing me to circle a few times. Besides the available spots located on the furthest end of the parking lot was one spot next to the front door with a sign: “Reserved for the Guest of the Week.” I pulled in assuming that the “Guest of the Week” had left.

As I entered the hotel I confessed to the young man behind the counter, inquiring if I would get in trouble for parking there. He responded, “Not if you’re the Guest of the Week. Congratulations!” We both laughed and I walked up stairs.

Five hours later we were up and preparing for the day; two kids that were all smiles as they talked about going to Chicago and the next hotel, both clueless of the previous nights events, and two tired moms who had shared an experience one won’t ever forget.

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Road Trip 2014

It started with a phone call, “Mom, want to take a road trip?”

“Sure, where are we going?”

“Chicago, then up to see grandmas.”

“Who?”

“Me and the kids.”

“When?”

“August…”

Tomorrow I will board a plane that will take me from Cali to Colorado. It will be the first time on a plane since Miracle Max (Dr. Steed) cured my coffee allergy. I’m sure my brain will be telling me that when the door is closing it will feel like the coffin lid is being shut…but I’ll talk my way though it and in one short hour arrive in PHX to catch the next flight to Denver. That door closing should be much less scary.

The trip is planned. Liam and Emery have been cleaning all day in preparation for my arrival. When Austyn and Raun were little we had the “Dad will be home in 15 minutes” alarm which meant all activities stopped while we made a mad dash around the house as if to present Jeff with a clean house. 15 minutes clean was about the best he could hope for.

By the time we return we will have put over 2,2oo miles on the car, eaten more McDonald’s than is good for anyone, visited one of my favorite placed on earth – the Chicago Botanical Gardens, seen a lot of people, road in Hoppie’s Daddy’s boat, played games with Grandma Egg, roasted marshmallows over the fire pit with “the grandma at the lake”,…somewhere in all this Austyn will shoot a wedding.

We’re ready for anything and hope that everything happens. You’ll have to join us here, since it’s unlikely there is room in the car. (That we’ll be cleaning Wednesday.)

And we are off…road trip 2014!!!